Quarantine Rants - Online Classes

The pandemic has taken the world by a storm (quite literally)! And one of the only things keeping me entertained during this time, are my online classes! You might wonder - why entertained? Wouldn’t annoyed or even tortured be better vocabulary? Well, you see, my online classes are sometimes certainly annoying and torturing but for most of the part, my teachers and classmates ensure that I don’t forget how to laugh in this quarantine (pretty much like all my other social skills that have gone down the drain in this lockdown)! Trust me, when the lockdown ends, I’ll be learning from scratch on how to talk to people without touching their face to zoom in on the screen, basically Communications 101 and not to forget - how to wear jeans again without dying?!

But excuse my digressions (a quarantine habit which is a result of my monologues and fun conversations with the wall) and coming back to my wonderful online classes, they have been a treat! Let me tell you from the beginning!

So it all starts with extremely poor WiFi (which seems like a universal problem - maybe even Ambani has it), bored students and still-figuring-what-technology-is teachers. And none of these have changed during the 3 months of these classes, boosting my confidence in the future of our country! But getting back, the online class will begin, but with the teacher nowhere in sight, or should I say screen?! So we sit around scrolling through our oh so interesting Insta feed for the next 15 minutes, waiting for our amazing teacher to come and teach us the wonderful subject, that we are just so excited to learn! If you haven’t noticed, sarcasm just happens to be my first language. So then when the teachers finally arrive, fashionably late, they will act like they have never worn earphones before in any of their lives and end up yelling ‘hello, can you hear me’ a million times! What is up with teachers and their microphones working a little too well?!

So when finally they’re assured that they can be heard perfectly fine by their students, they’ll go on to start teaching, which always involves screen sharing! And by screen sharing, I mean, inviting their doom! Because as soon as they share their screen, which by the way takes them another 10 minutes to figure out, they are done for! What better than a white screen and the very visible option of writing on it, for the super bored students? And in no time, the screen is filled with scribbles and words that somehow resemble the Egyptian writings on papyrus! Such a talented bunch of kids I have in my class!

And if that’s not enough for them, the teacher threatens to stop taking the class if they continue to do so, and they reply with a scribbled ‘ok’ on the screen itself! If this doesn’t keep you in class, I don’t know what will?!

When that’s finally settled, and the teacher is about to actually begin teaching, their child who just happens to be right next to them, suddenly decides that it’s a beautiful time to start bawling their eyes out and let everyone hear how melodious their voice is! And that goes on for another 10 mins as we watch our teacher struggling to control their kid. What else would you want to see in a class?!

But the drama does not end here, sorry to crush your expectations! Some classmate of mine just won’t understand the difference between private and public chat and will end up sending a personal text directed to a friend, on the public chat by mistake! That is followed by multiple screenshots and a promise of it going viral in all our group chats! And the teacher, who's finally free of all the cruelties in the world, just happens to see that text and has to call out and embarrass the student in front of everyone because making others suffer is obviously a part of a teacher’s job description! If not, then my whole life’s been a lie!

So basically, that was my online class in a nutshell and if you haven’t realised till now, they are certainly not a disaster and definitely not chaotic! They’re all cherries and rainbows and just a privilege to attend! The teachers try to tame the students and their own kids of course, but what’s new in that! And we, the students, have the time of our life, if that wasn’t obvious! And we certainly and definitely don’t rant about it to others! Not a chance!!